OK, I can hear all of you thinking, “The Titanic already sank. How in the world could there be a sequel?” Well, folks, Asylum Films, the company that brought you six Sharknado movies, has done it, sorta, in a straight-to-video 2010 flinch-fest, Titanic II. How these Asylum people are still able to obtain financial backing is a mystery, but they somehow get it, and the results speak for themselves.
No, wait. More like they warn us to stay away, avoid, and run, don’t walk, but do we listen? Not always. It’s human nature to be attracted to the proverbial train wreck.
Let’s begin, shall we?
We first see a surfer paddling around outside some giant Arctic glaciers, only the waves are Perfect Storm-level, and Surfer Dude gets crushed by a massive wall of water. It falls to Coast Guard Commander James (Bruce Davison) to figure out what’s going on, so they hop on a heli and fly out there.
Meanwhile, his gorgeous daughter Amy (Marie Westbrook), assumes her position as a nurse in the infirmary aboard Titanic II, a supposedly souped-up replica of the ill-fated liner. It’s really the Queen Mary in Long Beach, and Asylum didn’t change a thing except that they used bad CGI to superimpose the name, Titanic II over Queen Mary. Even the big ol’ seawall just off the ship is very much there, as is all the touristy stuff.
There’s no way this new ship is going to sink, folks. No way. Unlike the real Titanic, Numero Dos has the best lifeboats, and they’re all stored down below in case anyone is wondering. Nah, we’re not worried. People are happily taking photos in front of a giant sign saying “Titanic–Cunard Line” (snicker) and yukking it up as they board this marvel of replication.
In a supreme bit of foreshadowing, Amy’s friend and fellow nurse, Kim (Brooke Burke) looks around at the throng of passengers, pushes up her aviators, and remarks, “I would rather watch these people drown than give them CPR.”
Er…yeah…so much for any pretense at suspense. And way to be a garbage person, Kim.
It’s a mystery as to why Amy took the job in the first place, seeing as her ex-boyfriend, Hayden (Shane Van Dyke) put up the money to build the ship. He swans aboard with four young goddesses, wearing Ray-Ban-ish glasses that look like they were bought at one of those night markets in Asia.
Kim is gaga for Hayden and wants an introduction, but Amy’s not enthused. She and Hayden meet awkwardly outside an elevator and she smiles sheepishly at him while he gives her his best playboy smirk and the four goddesses wiggle past.
This movie is hilariously bad and gets funnier by the minute. So many kudos must be given to Asylum’s attention to detail. Like the extra fixing her bra as Titanic II pulls out of Long Beach, er, New York Harbor, or the Statue of Liberty facing seaward instead of southeast. Or that the ship looks absolutely nothing like the real Titanic. It’s the small stuff, you know?
Speaking of which, Daddy James has arrived in the North, where NOAA scientist Dr. Kelly Wade (Michelle Glavan) warns him that the Atlantic is going to be covered in icebergs soon because global warming. No mention whatsoever of how the International Ice Patrol blows up icebergs every spring, but whatever. It’s an Asylum film.
Basically, the icebergs are going to set off tsunamis which are going to sweep everything away and Titanic II is doomed. Good thing they have submarines and diving equipment in the hold. Too bad the tsunami will make them useless.
None of that matters, though, because we’re supposed to be distracted by the passengers going crazy and the ship is listing, at least on the outside, via amateurishly bad CGI. Hayden is striding around the bridge ordering the captain and crew around like a blonde J. Bruce Ismay. I kept waiting for the captain to tell the dude to shut up, which he didn’t. In real life Hayden would have been put in jail for violating Maritime Law, but again, it’s an Asylum film.
Hayden does get a chance to redeem himself. No telling what happens to his four goddesses; they just kinda disappear and we don’t miss them all that much. He and Amy patch things up, though, which is nice, I guess. Kim gets her introduction, although it’s not exactly a social one: Amy and Hayden pull a fallen filing cabinet off of her in the infirmary and stop her from bleeding out with a credit card taped to her stomach. Guess all the first-responder stuff in the room is there to look cool.
The rest of the film is just a ball of badly produced confusion. Titanic II doesn’t even sink; it just capsizes a la The Poseidon Adventure. The wine glasses in the dining room don’t spill, nothing changes, and no one even gets wet until the end. On the other hand, there’s a guy in a blue T-shirt who always goes berserk and rushes at crew members like he’s in a bar brawl, only to get decked by a bystander. Really, that’s all he does. You would think this fella would get tired of being punched out every twenty minutes, but that’s his schtick, and it’s a paycheck.
Groan. There are so many ways to make a game out of this movie it’s pathetic. Who can count how many passengers are half-heartedly writhing on the completely dry ship’s deck that’s clearly not sinking? Or guess how many rooms look like they’re made out of concrete? Or point out how many times Hayden flashes his pretty playboy smirk? I wouldn’t use this movie as a drinking or eating game, though, because it won’t take long for the tummy to rebel.
The global warming thing, quite honestly, is where the movie lost me, not that it really had me anyway, because it’s way too preachy. Regardless of whether or not someone believes in climate change, Asylum’s swing and miss at legitimacy is laughable. Heck, scientists must laugh their heads off at the mere mention of Asylum Films, not just because they’re terrible, but because they have absolutely no basis in fact or logic.
Then again, these films, while made in all seriousness, can’t by their nature be taken seriously. They just exist to mooch off of existing blockbusters and maybe deliver a few belly laughs. After all, it’s not often an ocean liner can sail from Long Beach to New York in two seconds.
Want more badness? Day Three’s posts can be found here. Thanks for reading, all, and see you tomorrow…
Titanic II is available on DVD from Amazon.